So do I! I think I will make some kind of makeup thingy, feels like that might be an easy way to start! I also love the sounds of opening and closing makeup stuff, and the sound of certain plastic bags is heaven to my brain!
I tried filming something with my own camera but there’s something seriously wrong with it so I think I’ll borrow my pappa’s instead. Better quality that way as well :)
My newfound freedom didn’t last long. Less than a month. It was a very good few weeks. But today I am falling, falling, falling. Falling back into my own personal prison, also known as body dysmorphic disorder. I had a weird feeling ever since I got up this morning. I felt fat, the skin on my nose was dry and breaking out. But I held onto that there-are-more-important-things-in-life-than-what-your-skin-looks-like-and-what-you-weigh. I held onto it and got in the car. The destination was my hometown and the annually week-long folkfest. I looked forward to attending this happening in my new free self.
I strolled around downtown, and I really was enjoying being able to be around people without worrying about my ugliness. It was nice.
But things changed. I went home to mama’s, cleaned my face from makeup, picked up my crossword magazine and sat down on the balcony. A few hours later I decided it was about time I clean up and put my face back on and head back out. As I sat outside on the stairs with my makeup and mirror (I’d never put on makeup indoors), I got a bit….. anxious, about what stared back at me in the mirror. It was ugly. Hideous. Disgusting. A monster. I felt the very familiar pain in the center of my stomach, I felt it growing to a hot yet ice cold…… thing, spreading through my body, out to my arms. The way it always does. And I tried to find angles, ways I would look good in. I didn’t find any.
I tried to smile, and that’s when the last piece of ground I was standing on disappeared under me and I fell, fell fell. The most disgusting smile I had ever seen. The most disgusting teeth I had ever seen. I tried to remember if I have been smiling with my teeth a lot lately, I went through every little detail I could remember, hoping I’d come to the conclusion I don’t smile with my teeth. I didn’t come to any conclusions at all. I guess that’s the good thing about not being able to remember anything. What I did remember though, was that little note from when I was 13 or 14, on which one of the boys in my class had written “dork smile”, about me.
Don’t you ever smile again, Alex! Never ever again!